Shy by Design

Shy by Design is a collection of 12 principles you can use to stand out as a quiet person in a loud world, gathered by Michael Thompson, who went from stuttering salesman to thriving communication coach, to help you stay curious, form meaningful connections, and develop a still but strong belief in yourself.

“Your problem isn’t speaking,” Michael’s speech therapist told him. “It’s that you don’t listen. You’re too caught up in what you’re going to say.” As a mostly silent guy who listened all the time, this was not what Mike wanted to hear.

But his therapist was right, and the unusual exercise of watching videos of other people talking and noting down what he learned was more than helpful. Since then, Michael carries a notebook wherever he goes. “Lead with listening,” he calls this principle.

It comes with 5 mindsets you can practice in any conversation:

Be a feather. Before or during chats, take a moment to bring yourself back to the present. Drop your judgments, if only for a few minutes. Think like a set designer. Make your conversation environments comfortable, for example with nice chairs or by simply opening a window. Be a biographer. Ask specific questions about people’s past to keep conversations going. “What music did you listen to in high school?” for example. Act like a trampoline. Don’t just nod along. Add your own ideas to the conversation when they are relevant. Let other people feel their thinking evolve thanks to you. Be a smart parrot. Every now and then, repeat what you’ve heard in your own words. This makes sure you’re both on the same page and opens people up to share more of their story.

“Talking is easy. Listening is a virtue,” I wrote in my 5th-most popular Quora answer of all time. It also makes you a better conversationalist when you do open your mouth—because what you’ll say will actually be thoughtful.

Always lead with listening.

I’ll never forget the day my hero, Seth Godin, sent me an email out of the blue. “Keep writing,” he said. “Go go go!” The reason he sent it? “Michael shared your Medium post with me.” “Friendships are forged in the follow-up,” Michael calls the 6th principle in his book. Clearly, he lives up to it. With his email, he both connected with someone influential and did a nice thing for a friend. But he also does other things to consistently follow up with people. Here are 4 kinds of messages you can easily send on the regular: Anything you come across you think the other person might find interesting, like a book or movie recommendation. Inspiration for their work, like an article they could…