Boundaries

Boundaries explains, with the help of modern psychology and Christian ideals, how to improve your mental health and personal growth by establishing guidelines for self-care that include saying no more often and standing firm in your decisions rather than letting people walk all over you.

From concrete walls to “No Trespassing” signs, we find physical boundaries all around us. Usually, these exist for a good reason. A tall chainlink fence around an electrical plant is there to protect us from walking inadvertently into a dangerous area.

Personal boundaries are likewise necessary for protecting your emotions and spirit. But unlike physical boundaries, others can’t always see them. This makes it hard to establish, recognize, and enforce them.

Setting boundaries entails taking ownership of your own wants, needs, and feelings. It means prioritizing you, but often people feel like it means they are neglecting others. But that’s not true. All it means is that you aren’t solely responsible for other people’s problems.

Take the O’Riley family. Their son Peter has gotten involved with drugs and was expelled from school. His parents could take responsibility for his problems by enrolling him in a new school and paying his fines, but it’s likely this isn’t going to solve the problem. In this case, his parents would shoulder the whole problem for him.

On the other hand, they could hand the responsibility to their son instead. They could listen and support him in becoming sober and do all this without stepping in to fix his problems. In this case, they are taking care of themselves by establishing boundaries and still taking care of Peter. Setting boundaries like this is an act of kindness to yourself as well as to everyone around you.

Before you are comfortable enough to assert boundaries, you might make excuses for other people violating your boundaries. You might say stuff like, “Jeff always puts me down when he’s with his friends. He’s only joking, though.” But over time, you start to get resentful. This resentment can be a good thing! If it means you’re done being complacent about boundary violations, so pay attention! This will be your first step to healthy boundaries. But it won’t be easy. When you try to set boundaries with a controller or manipulator, they are set on using you and won’t let you say no. Their insistence on using you can be addictive for you because it makes you feel needed. Friends who don’t make a fuss if you can’t make it to lunch won’t give you the same high. But this is the time to seek out these types of friends. Next, learn how to love and value yourself. When our boundaries are constantly being…