Come As You Are

Come As You Are is an explanation of the truth about female sexuality, including the hidden science of what turns women on, why it works, how to utilize this knowledge to improve your sex life, and why sexual myths make you feel inadequate in bed.

The author had a patient named Laurie who, after having a baby, lost all desire for sex with her husband. She did, however, enjoy pleasuring herself. The problem was that she began to feel bad for not wanting penetrative sex.

But Laurie wasn’t in the wrong for this, she just needed to understand that she, like you, has a sexual gas pedal and brakes. Whenever you get stimulation, it pushes the gas pedal, and there are many things that can push your brakes.

Even something as simple as a sound or smell can make your brain shut down your sexual desire.

Most people that struggle with sex just have overactive sexual brakes. Research back in 2008 found that women that feel anxious about how long it takes them to become aroused or who only get the urge for sex in perfect circumstances have a harder time with sex.

But everybody is unique with varying levels of brake and gas pedal sensitivities and what makes each of these go. Pay careful attention to yours and your partners if you want to improve your sex life.

One of the author’s clients, Camilla, for instance, didn’t feel any arousal when looking at her partner or when having sexual fantasies. The problem was that she simply had a weak gas pedal and needed more time and attention to get going.

Say your partner comes to visit you while you’re at work. You’re both turned on and can’t wait to get to a private place together. But as you’re rushing for that closet you know is always empty, you turn the corner and find your boss staring you down. Not so turned on anymore, are you? That’s because stress makes sex unattractive. And the bad news is, you can’t just wish your stress response away. Animals, for instance, when they play dead while being hunted, will have spasms even after the predator is gone. And humans are the same way, but with the stresses of family or work. We have what’s known as a stress response cycle, and we can’t just turn it off at will. This is why it’s a bad idea to try to push through and still have sex when you’re stressed. Instead, calm down first through exercise, sleep, sharing affection, crying, or relaxing. Unfortunately, those who’ve been through sexual trauma have it a little more difficult. Their past experiences make them perceive any sexual experience as…