Difficult Conversations

Difficult Conversations identifies why we shy away from some conversations more than others, and what we can do to navigate them successfully and without stress.

In every difficult conversation, there are really three different conversations happening at the same time:

What Happened Conversation Feelings Conversation Identity Conversation

In the What Happened conversation, we try to determine who’s right and who is to blame. We find blame by assuming what the other person’s intentions are. We say things like “What you said last night was over the line,” but the other person may be able to say the same about you. In these conversations, it’s easy to accuse the other person of ill intent or to blame them for things they don’t have anything to do with.

The Feelings Conversation deals with your emotions. Whether it’s fear, anger, sadness, or disappointment, a hard conversation will contain some, or many, emotions. For example, maybe you feel like you were disrespected by a friend, or maybe they were offended and hurt because of something you said.

The third is the Identity Conversation. We hate when we feel like our character is being challenged. With the example of the neighbor’s barking dog, maybe it’s hard for you to confront the neighbor about it because you consider yourself a really friendly and relaxed person. You might worry that complaining about their dog will make you seem unfriendly or even aggressive, threatening the self-image you have.

A Learning Conversation is a conversation where we are able to discuss tough topics and work something out without blaming, fighting, or silencing our emotions. For the What Happened conversation, try to see where the other person is coming from. Instead of getting defensive, be curious about how someone could see something so differently from you. Also, don’t ever assume someone has bad intentions. Instead, just focus on what their actions say. Lastly, instead of playing the blame game try looking for how everyone contributed to the problems, even you. The Feelings Conversation can be hard because sometimes we’re embarrassed about how we feel, and other times we worry about offending the other person. You can improve the Feelings Conversation by exploring your own emotional footprint, or the reason for why you react emotionally. Think about past experiences that affected the way you handle your feelings and from there, explore the way you really feel. Next, focus on the other person with curiosity about how they feel. Then share your feelings in a thoughtful way, making to share both the good and the bad, such as “I really appreciate your concern but it makes me feel frustrated when you keep nagging me about finding a job.” For the Identity Conversation,…