Extraordinary Influence

Extraordinary Influence helps you become a better leader by revealing what neuroscience has to say about effective leadership, identifying communication as the key to the highest levels of performance.

Imagine you’re a young football player and you’ve just lost the most important game of the season. You feel devastated after all your hard work didn’t pay off the way you expected.

Picture yourself at the end of the game, shaking the hands of the opposing team members. One of them pulls you aside and says that it was an honor to play against you. He saw your incredible courage and grit playing as hard as you did. Wouldn’t this type of comment soften the defeat and inspire you just a little?

This is called affirmation, and it’s something that our brains crave. A 2005 study shows that affirmation decreases stress and boosts our problem-solving skills and performance.

The word affirmation is from Latin words that mean “to strengthen” or “fortify.” To practice this skill effectively, speak with others in a way that strengthens them. It takes consistent reinforcement, feedback, and praise to get great at affirmation.

To truly “fortify” others, you must focus on their strengths and values. A word of encouragement should spotlight what means the most to them, not you. Also remember to center your comments on the reasons for your approving comments to further strengthen them.

As a child, the author’s wife Anne took an art class in her preschool playgroup. Not wanting to follow the rules, she randomly threw paint at her canvas. The teacher wasn’t impressed, and in front of the whole class rebuked Anne for her “mess.” The humiliation has stuck with her since the experience.

Science confirms that negative comments, especially shared in public, have a long-lasting negative effect on a person. In one study, scientists showed that the emotion-centers of the brain connect with social conformity. Acceptance by our peers triggers dopamine release in the brain, which gives a sense of well-being.

Thus, criticism from someone else and in front of our peers damages this connection, and our prosperity. Instead of being buoyed up by those we care about most, we feel rejected by them. This erodes our belief in ourselves, and tears us down.

The lesson here is that if you want to help someone and need to give feedback, do it privately, not in public. On the other hand, you should focus on sharing praise in public as much as possible.

Do you remember your last performance review? I know when I was still working for someone else I dreaded them. It felt like a formality and that nothing much ever came of it. The reason for this, I’ve learned,…