Games People Play

Games People Play is a classic book about human behavior which explains the wild and interesting psychological games that you and everybody around you play to manipulate each other in self-destructive and divisive ways and how to tame your ego so you can quit playing and enjoy healthier relationships.

Even though it seems like humans behavior is pretty random, there are recurring behavioral patterns. As a psychiatrist, the author saw thousands of patients, and he found that each person fell into the category of one of three ego states: Child, Parent, or Adult.

He found whichever state you’re in depends on both your past and your present. For example, a child will copy whatever their parents do, so this is where the Parent ego state comes from. So if you had a father who shouted when you did something wrong, you may unconsciously do this exact thing to your child.

The Adult ego state is where rational thinking comes from. As we discover how to reflect on our experiences, we learn that we can make choices based on the present situation. It uses logic to tackle problems. For example, it comes out when you need to figure out how to fix a car with a broken engine.

Lastly, the Child is the pattern of behavior that we’re born with. This spontaneous ego is the origin of our emotions and intimacy. It usually gets buried under the other two egos, but there are ways to come out from its influence. An example of when our Child ego comes out is during sex, which isn’t logical or taught by our parents.

Whenever we interact with people, we are in one of these ego states, and the other person is in another. Sometimes it might be obvious which state you’re operating in, but when it seems like you’re acting in one state but you aren’t, you’re playing a game. Confused? Here’s an example of a game called Alcoholic. In this game, the alcoholic asks her family for help. It may seem like she’s acting like a rational adult. But in fact, she’s challenging those around her to see if they can stop her, so she’s really being the rebellious Child. The other players might act like Adults who want her to stop, but deep down they are being the Parent and wanting to scold her. This scolding gives the alcoholic what she wants in the first place— fuel to her self-pity which will lead to more drinking. Another example of a game is Why Don’t You- Yes But. In this game, someone comes to people with a problem, such as what car to buy. The people around them offer suggestions, but none of…