Getting the Love You Want

We enter the relationship with the unconscious assumption that our partner will become a surrogate parent and make up for all the deprivation of our childhood.

We enter the relationship with the unconscious assumption that our partner will become a surrogate parent and make up for all the deprivation of our childhood. Unconscious motivations. Our choice of romantic partners is heavily influenced by our unconscious mind, specifically our experiences with early caregivers. This unconscious attraction serves a purpose: to heal childhood wounds and regain a sense of wholeness. Familiar patterns. We are drawn to partners who possess both positive and negative traits of our caregivers. This familiarity feels comfortable, even if it includes challenging or hurtful behaviors. For example: A person with a critical parent may be attracted to a partner who is judgmental Someone with an emotionally distant caregiver might choose a partner who struggles with intimacy Opportunity for growth. While this pattern may seem counterproductive, it actually presents an opportunity for healing and personal growth. By facing these familiar challenges in a conscious way, we can work through unresolved issues from our past and create healthier relationship dynamics.

The problem with this solution is that there is a lot of pain involved in switching boxes. Stages of love. Romantic relationships typically progress through three stages: Romantic love: A period of intense attraction and idealization Power struggle: Conflict emerges as differences and unmet needs surface Conscious partnership: A mature, intentional relationship built on understanding and growth The power struggle. As the initial euphoria of romantic love fades, couples enter a challenging phase where their differences become apparent and conflicts arise. This stage is characterized by: Disillusionment as partners' flaws become visible Attempts to change or control each other Recurring arguments and patterns of conflict Feelings of frustration, anger, and disappointment Opportunity for growth. While painful, the power struggle is a necessary step towards creating a deeper, more authentic relationship. It reveals areas where both partners need to heal and grow, setting the stage for a conscious partnership if approached with intention and understanding.

We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship. Early experiences shape us. Our childhood experiences, particularly with our primary caregivers, create deep-seated beliefs and patterns that influence our adult relationships. These early wounds can manifest as: Fear of abandonment or engulfment Difficulty with trust and intimacy Patterns of criticism or withdrawal Unmet needs for validation, nurturing, or independence Unconscious reenactment. In our adult relationships, we often unconsciously recreate scenarios that mirror our childhood wounds. This serves two purposes: To seek healing by giving our partner the opportunity to respond differently than our caregivers did To maintain familiar…