Just Listen

Just Listen teaches how to get your message across to anyone by using proven listening and persuasion techniques.

Have you ever been in a situation where you’re stressed out about something, and when you tell someone how you’re feeling, they immediately try to come up with solutions for you? The truth is, whenever we feel big emotions, we don’t want advice. We just want to share what’s happening and have someone listen to and feel with us.

When we listen to others first, we give them ample chance to talk about their concerns and how they feel. Listening first gives others the space they need to start thinking it through and disputing irrational feelings if necessary. Listening before you speak is also habit 5 of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

To illustrate this lesson, Goulston gives an example of a man who has a gun to his head and is ready to take his own life. When the police and negotiations team arrive, they try to calm him down by pointing out there are other options but aren’t getting through to him.

Another officer approaches and listens to the man. He says something to the effect of “I’ll bet you feel this is the only way out.” The man says yes, and the officer listens to his feelings. After a little while, the man starts to calm down and consider other options than ending his own life.

When it comes to thinking about the world around us, we have three main layers of thinking. The first layer is our instinctual, reptilian brain. It is responsible for fight-or-flight and is quick to react, even before analyzing. The second layer is the mammalian layer and is a bit more advanced than the reptilian. This part runs on emotions. When we feel big feelings of anger, love, or sadness, they come from the mammalian part. The last and most evolved part is our rational layer. It collects evidence, analyzes, and arrives at logical conclusions based on the data from the other layers. The important lesson from these layers is that we need to make sure that the person we are talking to is using their rational layer. When we feel threatened, the immediate reaction is to use our emotional brain or to use the reptilian fight-or-flight. But if we can express these feelings out loud, we allow ourselves to cool down and figure out a solution. On the flip-side, when we are communicating with others, we need to let them work through their feelings before those emotions become a problem. Once we listen and address how they feel, others will feel understood and can listen with their rational part of their…