The Four Tendencies

The Four Tendencies is a personality profile framework to help you understand how you and the people around you deal with their outer and inner expectations, so you can better manage your life, work and relationships.

When we’re babies, no one expects us to do anything. Our parents celebrate it when we eat, clap when we poop and let out a huge sigh of relief when we finally fall asleep. As we grow up, this changes fast. It starts with “clean your room,” soon turns to “you need to contribute to the household” and ends with “you have to take care of yourself now.” Most of us aren’t ready for all the expectations the world piles onto us, let alone the internal ones we have of ourselves that add to the pressure.

And yet, somehow we deal with them. We learn, we struggle and over time, hopefully we get better. Of course we develop much of our approach to dealing with our internal and life’s external expectations subconsciously. Identifying the approach you’ve shaped so far is what The Four Tendencies are for. Each tendency is linked to a specific strategy for dealing with the two kinds of expectations we face, which can be perfectly summed up in this graphic Gretchen made:

Here’s a little cheat sheet you can use to remember what’s distinctive for each type and how to deal with them better:

Upholders meet inner and outer expectations. They love rules, having a clear plan and are self-motivated and disciplined. Clearly tell them what needs to be done and they’ll lead the way. Questioners meet their own expectations, but resist outer ones. They need to see purpose and reason in anything they do. Make it clear why what you want from them is important. Obligers meet other peoples’ expectations easily, but struggle with their own. The must be held accountable by a friend, coach or boss to get things done. They thrive when they have a sense of duty and can work in a team. Rebels defy both outer and inner expectations. Above all, they want to be free to choose and express their own individuality. Give them the facts, present the task as a challenge and let them decide without pressure.

Now that you know the basics, let’s look at the biggest and toughest group in more detail: Obligers.

Over 700,000 people have taken Gretchen’s quiz that reveals their tendency. The largest group are Obligers. This comes as no surprise when you consider that the entire education system of the Western world has been geared towards producing compliant workers for the past 100 years. In theory, that’s not a problem, because it’s fairly easy for Obligers to make…