The Relationship Cure

The Relationship Cure will show you how to improve all your relationships whether in a marriage, at work, or with friends, by revealing the science of understanding how others communicate their needs and how to efficiently express your own desires too.

When it comes to relationships, bids are extremely important. No, not on eBay. Gottman teaches that a bid is an attempt to emotionally connect with someone either verbally or nonverbally.

It can be anything from “Wow, look at the beautiful sunset!” To a question like, “What did you think of the movie last night?” Or it can come in the form of giving a gesture like a wink or a smile.  Whatever form it takes, the idea is the same: it shows a desire for connection.

A person can respond to a bid by turning toward it, turning away from it, or turning against it.  For example, maybe you say to your spouse, “Check out this interesting news article.” If they respond by putting down their phone and taking a look this would be turning toward your bid.

On the other hand, if they were to ignore you and continue looking at their phone or reply with something unrelated, this would be turning away from it.

Lastly, if they were to say something negative, like “Can’t you see I’m busy with something?” This would be an example of turning against your bid.

Through research, Gottman has identified the importance of these three types of responses to bids in a relationship. He has observed that they represent the building blocks of emotional communication and human connection. And that they can make or break a relationship.

The reason these bids are so important, even if they seem menial, is because they often have hidden messages about what we really want. For example, a wife telling her husband she’s cold may be more than just a statement about temperature. It may mean she wants to cuddle and feel close to her husband. This is why we have to be careful when we respond to someone we care about. A child throwing a tantrum over a toy her mother won’t buy might seem like a plea for a toy, but deep down, it likely could be a bid for more attention. When people are feeling sad, angry, or scared, their bids can sound more like laments or criticisms. It is key that we dig a little deeper to discover what they’re really saying and how they really feel. Imagine you’re the mother of the child throwing the tantrum for a toy. Rather than invalidating their feelings by frustratedly explaining why she can’t have the toy, try giving a hug or giving comfort. When…