The Road Less Traveled

The Road Less Traveled is a spiritual classic, combining scientific and religious views to help you grow by confronting and solving your problems through discipline, love and grace.

Most of our decisions to be dishonest originate from irrational thinking. When we lie, consciously or not, we’ve often just fallen prey to so-called cognitive biases, like the backfire effect, survivorship bias or irrational escalation. It’s easy to raise a finger and say: “Always be honest!” A lot of gurus do that.

That’s why I like the words Peck uses: A dedication to truth. He doesn’t emphasize being honest so much, as that’s often out of our control. What matters, he suggests is that we remain open to being wrong. How willing are you to change your opinion at a moment’s notice? It’s hard. It takes a lot of humility.

Sometimes, even when we’re presented with an opportunity to get a better understanding of reality, like facts that prove we’re wrong, we still can’t change our mind. Worse, we might even reaffirm our rusty and false beliefs (this is the backfire effect in action). You don’t have to cheer when you learn you’re on the wrong track, but if you can pause and entertain the idea of a new opinion at any time, you’re already closer to the truth than most people.

One of Sigmund Freud’s many contributions to the field of psychology was the idea of cathexis. It’s defined as the investment of emotional energy into an object or a person, often to an extent that’s unhealthy. Think of it like a romantic obsession or overdose of sexual desire.

Peck says cathexis happens when we intently focus on the “falling in love” aspect of a relationship that often happens early on. As a consequence, our love might burn with a bright flame, but soon fizzle into sparks before extinguishing altogether. To prevent this, he suggests we think of love as an action, not a feeling. If our love is genuine, it won’t require lots of feelings at all, since it’s much bigger than cathexis.

For example, in a well-functioning marriage both partners continue to choose their spouse, because they made a commitment to support that person and strive towards their goals together. Even if they disagree and occasionally get angry at each other, they don’t get swayed by those passing feelings.

In this sense, showing your love is as simple as giving your attention, listening and helping your partner reach their goals. No crazy feelings needed. This is similar to the distinction Jonathan Haidt made in The Happiness Hypothesis between passionate and companionate love. Without the latter, no relationship can last long-term.