Mating In Captivity

Mating In Captivity explains the best sex advice that couples therapist Esther Perel has discovered in over twenty years of experience, and explains the barriers that can kill sexual desire in our domesticated society and what you and your spouse can do to remove them so you can enjoy better emotional and physical intimacy together.

It seems a little weird to think about how your childhood influences your sex life now. But your background actually does have a lot to do with how you see intimacy.

At his mom’s funeral, Dylan recalled his father telling him not to cry even though he was just 12 at the time. From then on, he felt showing his emotions would disappoint his father, so he decided he would repress them.

Little did he know, this part of his past would stunt his ability to connect later on. As an adult, he found himself picking up new partners at the club every week. Anonymous sex protected him from the humiliation that came with emotions.

Many of us carry some baggage from the past that affects our sex life now. Our erotic blueprint, aka what turns us on, can highlight childhood trauma. If we didn’t feel emotionally connected to a caregiver in childhood, we’ll likely not be able to be vulnerable as an adult. This can prevent is from true eroticism.

When we explore our past and see where our problems come through, we can work to solve them. For Dylan, this meant therapy to learn to open up emotionally. For someone who was to consumed with pleasing their partner to enjoy sex, this meant just learning to enjoy himself more.

If we can overcome childhood fears of separation or other trauma, we will finally be able to let ourselves go and feel the true pleasure that comes with uninhibited intimacy.

It’s ironic, if you think about it, that though sex makes babies, they tend to smother parents’ sex life. This can happen whether or not the child is biologically yours or even if you had a stellar sex life before. Why is this? Anyone with kids can tell you that your marriage changes after kids. Priorities tend to shift. We are tasked with taking care of a tiny human and our biggest responsibility is now keeping them safe. So we stop partying, buy a home, become responsible adults. The problem? Eroticism desires excitement, unpredictability, and danger. We can’t have both, so we choose security. This is made worse by the fact that many mothers feel they have to be selfless to be a good mom, so they don’t allow themselves to look for pleasure anymore. Perel says to combat these changes and find time…