Raising A Secure Child

Raising A Secure Child teaches new parents how to feel confident that they can meet their child’s needs without making them too attached by outlining the experience that Hoffman, Cooper, and Powell have in helping parents form healthy attachments with their kids in ways that help them avoid becoming too hard on themselves and their children.

After birth, babies are biologically programmed to attach to at least one person that will respond to their needs. This attachment is secure, and according to attachment theory, it is likely the most important factor in whether or not the child will live a healthy physical and emotional life.

After World War II, psychologist John Bowlby observed that children he saw in orphanages were not thriving even though they were clothed, warm, and fed. Bowlby thought the problem must be from the one thing they didn’t have: a primary caregiver to rely on for comfort and reassurance.

Psychologist Harry Harlow expanded on Bowlby’s observations when he studied baby monkeys. He gave them an option of a figure covered in cloth that felt similar to an adult monkey or a non-cuddly figure of wires that provided food. He found the baby monkeys consistently chose the cloth figure.

When an attachment isn’t secure, their needs can go unmet, which leads to stress. The stress hormone cortisol causes systems in the body to slow down and become less effective. Cortisol can slow down metabolism, suppress the immune system, and even damages memory and thinking capabilities.

Not having secure attachments can even make it difficult for the child to have future relationships. Children with secure attachment can better empathize and form secure relationships in adulthood.

It’s hard to know when to comfort your child or encourage their independence. For this reason, the authors created the Circle of Security. Picture the face of a clock. At the nine o’clock position is “secure base,” where your child departs from their clockwise journey around the circle. This can happen many times a day. While they are on the journey, before they come back to you, you can do things to help them feel safe. Around three o’clock is when your child is exploring, but they still need your watchful care as support. There are four ways to meet their needs while they explore. The first is actually to watch what they are doing. Next, a child needs to be delighted. They need to celebrate small things, like getting to the top of a playground ladder. Third, enjoy activities alongside her. Don’t direct her; join in with the exploration. Finally, help out. This can be physically helping her do something she can’t, like helping with the monkey bars or encouraging her to…